How I'm Handing It

So my car gave out on me. Like things will tend to do, usually at the least opportune time.

I'd been car hunting for a while because I knew I was going to have to replace it, but my search hadn't been urgent because I thought I could get away with keeping the old Honda around for a little longer.

But on Sunday, when my car refused to start, my search sped up. I widened the search parameters a little and found a really amazing car used car, test drove it, and signed the papers Monday.

This is actually my car. I'm surprised, too.

(Which is all super awesome and relieves stress I hadn't known I had, now that I don't have the question mark hanging over my head. And now that my trunk doesn't bump every time I drive over something. And now that my gas mileage has gone from "crappier than it should be for a Honda Civic" to "kinda can't wrap my head around those amazingly good numbers".)

Buying a car is not the only shopping indulgence I've committed recently (although, to be fair, it was not an impulse purchase but an absolute necessity). I've gotten myself pretty rocks, jewelry, hats, office supplies, organizational supplies, and whatever I feel like at the grocery store. I've taken to relying on my friends to tell me when I'm getting out of hand because I have no shopping judgement. If I want it, I'll buy it. If I want two, I'll buy two.

I actually want more than two but haven't made it to the hat shop again yet.

I can't tell if this is my psyche trying to bring myself comfort through retail therapy (not my usual M.O.) or if there is some existential reasoning going on which says that life, fleeting as it is, should be enjoyed whole-heartedly without thought for miserliness and consequences of living beyond one's means.

I'm noticing other interesting things about myself right now, too. I've been known to get angry when I see little old ladies in the mall--because my Mom won't be around to be one of those little old ladies someday, and if she won't be around, they don't have a right to be.

(Perfect logic.)

I've caught myself putting off a lot of things to deal with "after Mom dies". This is often a legitimate reason--I'd rather spend time with Mom right now than hole myself up and write on my novel. But I also notice that some of the things I really want to do sooner, and putting them off ends up causing me to wish Mom would die so that I could get these things done. Which is not a good realization. So I'm trying to be aware of that and not put my life on hold any more than I need to.

(But not any less, either...because I really do want to spend all the time I can with my family.)

 I suppose it's an unsustainable tightrope right now, but I'm not falling off yet.

(In other news, I finished formatting and book-cover-ing the two books Mom wrote. That was a big project that she needed help finishing. Next: the rest of the quilt squares.)